International Games

via text message

Husband: Baby, you're a feminist, right?

Wife: yeah . . .

Husband: You like to support the woman's cause all over the world, right? U know... for sisterhood or something?

Wife: yeah . . .

Husband: Then u should watch the women's soccer world cup . . . In espn! :)

Wife: Nice try. I still hate soccer.

Caballos y Caballeros

Translated from Spanish.

Husband: So baby, what did you do on your trip to the country?

Wife: I had such a great time. I picked vegetables from the garden, I watched the sunset, I got to see the stars - there are so many stars outside the city! And I got to ride the cowboys.

Husband: You what?!?

Wife: I rode the cowboys. I had only ridden a cowboy once or twice before this trip. My sister used to ride cowboys all the time when she was younger, but I had to play the piano. I really enjoyed riding the cowboys. When was the last time you rode a cowboy?

pause...

Husband: Do you mean horse? You rode horses?

Wife: Yeah, that's what I said.

*Caballero is cowboy or gentleman. Caballo is horse.

Bubble bubble, boil and trouble...

Husband and Wife are vacationing with Friends and spending time at the pool. Husband is swimming while Wife and Friends get into the hot tub. Husband joins them later and steps gingerly into the hot tub.

Husband: Wow! How hot is this water?

Friend: About 100 degrees.

Husband jumps out quickly.

Husband: It's boiling?!?!

Wife: 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

Husband: Then why are all of you red?

Wife: That's what happens when white people stay in hot water. I promise the water feels good.

Husband sits on the edge and puts his feet in the water.

Husband: Humph. White people are strange.

Snap, Crackle and Pop

Wife: Hey love, while you're in the kitchen, could you pour me a bowl of cereal?

Husband: Sure. Do you want the kind we normally have or this other cereal that you bought?

Wife: I'll take the Rice Krispies. Have you ever tried them?

Husband: Nope. I'll stick to my cereal.

pause. . .

Husband enters with a look of grave concern and deep worry on his face, cupping the bowl of cereal with both hands.

Husband: (with awe) Baby... your cereal is making noises...

In the beginning...

Wife: Oh, wow! What a sweet dog you have! What's his name?

Husband: (with affection) This is Andy. Yes, he's a good tuto shodido de mienda.

. . . about a year passes . . .

Wife: Andy really is a tuto shodido de mienda isn't he? Such a good boy. Hey love, what does tuto shodido de mienda mean?

Husband: It's baby talk my mom uses to show affection for animals.

Wife: So it doesn't mean anything?

Husband: It's baby talk for "chucho jodido de mierda".

Wife: Wait. So doesn't that mean fucking piece of shit mutt?

Husband: That's why we say it in baby talk.

Higher Education and Encarceration

Husband: It's been two years since he went away to yale.

Wife: I didn't know he went to Yale. When was he accepted?

pause . . .

Husband: They took him about two years ago. It's been hard, but he says he's reading a lot.

Wife: I should hope so. When does he graduate?

Husband: I don't understand. You don't graduate from yale.

pause . . .

Wife: Well, when will he leave Yale?

Husband: He comes up for parole in a few months.

Wife: Oh... Oh! Well that's good. I guess.