Love is the Key

Husband and Wife are unloading groceries from the car. They approach the back door to the house. 

Wife: Baby, can I have the keys?

Husband leans over and kisses wife. 


Husband: There's your kees.

Washing Dishes at the Copacabana

It's Husband's turn to wash dishes for the first time in a month. Husband is at the sink in the kitchen while wife folds laundry in the living room. 

Husband: Boo

Wife: What is it?

Husband: Boo-hoo.

Wife: What?

Husband: The results are in. Rotten Tomatoes gives Washing Dishes only 20%. Very few critics like it and fans say definitely "don't go".

Wife: Oh really?

Husband: Yup. It's a flop. The blogs are saying it's a real stinker.

Silence. 

Moments later, Husband sings a new song to the tune of "Copacabana".

Husband: His name was husband, he's washing dishes. And no one enjoys washing dishes.

Logic and lyrics

Husband: (singing) Mr. Mailman, bring me a dream! Make her complexion like cookies and cream.

Wife: It's not the mailman who brings the dream, it's the sand man. He flies in your room at night and puts sand in your eyes so you dream.

Husband looks incredulous. 

Husband: (singing) Mr. Mailman, bring me a dream! Make her complexion like cookies and cream.

Wife: Her complexion is like peaches in cream. Like my cheeks, see? If it was like cookies and cream, it would be all covered in spots.


Husband sighs and then starts to whistle, exasperated. 

Jesus and Gerbils

Husband: My friend really likes to say the word Yerbils.

Wife: You mean gerbils? Like the little animals?

Husband: It's not with a "y"?

Wife: Nope. It's with a "g", gerbil.

Husband: G. Like in Jesus?

Isn't It Obvious?

Husband: Do you want to watch a movie?

Wife: Nah, we should really do laundry.

Husband begins to sing and dance.

Husband (singing): We have called you to join us today because you are a party pooper. Party pooper, party pooper!

Wife: Huh. Is that how the song goes?

Husband: Yes! Isn't it clarievident? Party pooper!

Winkle Winkle

Husband and Wife are watching a movie on the couch at home. One lone cookie sits on a plate in front of them.

Wife: I'm going to the kitchen for some water. Do you need anything?

Husband: No, thanks. But I can't guarantee that this cookie will be here when you get back. Hint hint winkle winkle.

Dog Brands

Wife: Did you hear that the neighbors got a new dog?

Husband: Yeah, it's the same brand of dog as Max.

Wife looks curiously at Husband.

Husband: Or make and model of dog. You know what I mean.

Burger Joint in Suburbia

Husband: Where do you want to eat, baby? 10 Burgers and A Fry? Or Smash Pumpkin?

Wife: Well, 5 Guys Burgers and Fries has great seasoned fries, but Smash burger has better burgers.

The Ambiguously Gay Duo

Husband: Are those guys a couple?

Wife: I think they're just roommates.

Husband: Like Ert and Bernie? From Sesame Plaza?

Wife: Yes. Just like that.

Grey's Anatomy can get violent

Husband: Hey baby, are you watching your stories?

Wife: Yeah, after such a rigorous couple of months at work and school, it feels great to just turn my brain off and watch cheesy television. But after this one is over, I'm going to have to cut myself off.

Husband: It's that bad, huh?

Wife: No, I like it so much, I'm going to have to cut myself off or I'll be here all night.

Husband: But if you like it, why would you have to cut yourself off?

Husband then forms his hand into a knife shape and pretends to "cut" his arms, legs, torso, etc.

Wife: Off, love, not up. Cut myself off not cut myself up.

Husband: Same thing.

Fudge brownies

Husband and Wife are finishing a date night dinner the day after Thanksgiving.

Husband: Should we get dessert here or eat dessert at home?

Wife: Well, we have the rest of my dad's famous holiday fudge at home.

Husband: Which one was the fudge?

Wife: The chocolate dessert from yesterday.

Husband: Those weren't brownies? I thought they were teeny tiny brownies.

Wife: No, that was fudge.

Husband: Oh. I just thought they were the most delicious brownies in the world. Are you sure they're not brownies?

Wife: It was fudge.

New Corona Beer Slogan

Husband: Find your bitch.

Actual slogan is "Find your beach."

Sponge Dog

The dog is watching a squirel in the back yard from a window on the second floor.

Wife: Hey babe, look at Max. He's tracking something.

Husband: Wow. He's so absorbant.

Wife Is Not A Lawyer

Husband and Wife are watching a movie that takes place in a courtroom.

Wife: Do you think they'll submit the after david as evidence?

...

Husband: The affidavit?

Wife: Um. Yes.

Complements

Wife: You are so very cute today.

Husband: I do? Thank you.

Toy Story

Wife: He's several years younger than her, but I think they make a great match.

Husband: Yup. I'm glad she found herself a toy boy.

Never Make A Pig Happy

Wife: That guy was really frustrating. He's such an extremest in his views. But I knew that engaging him in debate would only make it worse. So I let him go on his tirade and then I acknowledged what he was saying without agreeing with him. I really wanted to point out all the ways he was wrong in his logic, though.

Husband: Yeah, but you were right not to fight him. If you wrestle with a pig, he likes it.

Wife: Hmmm?

Husband: You know, if you get down in the mud and fight a pig, he's happy because he's in the mud.

Wife: That's so true.

Just hanging...

Wife: How did it go with the cable company?

Husband: Ugh. I was on the phone for a half an hour with those people. Finally, I just hung on them.

Popcorn Fruit

Husband: Hey babe, I'm on my way home. What are you doing?

Wife: Oh, I just got home and I'm making popcorn. It's the inaugural use of our new popcorn pot.

Husband: Nice! I can't wait to taste the fruit of it's loins!

BBQ

Wife and Husband are driving home from a party.

Husband: Love, did we eat dinner tonight?

Wife: Yeah. We had the BBQ, remember?

Husband: That's right. The chicken was awesome.

Wife: I know. I had a leg. That sauce was amazing.

Husband: It really was. I ate a whole chest of chicken.