Grey's Anatomy can get violent

Husband: Hey baby, are you watching your stories?

Wife: Yeah, after such a rigorous couple of months at work and school, it feels great to just turn my brain off and watch cheesy television. But after this one is over, I'm going to have to cut myself off.

Husband: It's that bad, huh?

Wife: No, I like it so much, I'm going to have to cut myself off or I'll be here all night.

Husband: But if you like it, why would you have to cut yourself off?

Husband then forms his hand into a knife shape and pretends to "cut" his arms, legs, torso, etc.

Wife: Off, love, not up. Cut myself off not cut myself up.

Husband: Same thing.

Fudge brownies

Husband and Wife are finishing a date night dinner the day after Thanksgiving.

Husband: Should we get dessert here or eat dessert at home?

Wife: Well, we have the rest of my dad's famous holiday fudge at home.

Husband: Which one was the fudge?

Wife: The chocolate dessert from yesterday.

Husband: Those weren't brownies? I thought they were teeny tiny brownies.

Wife: No, that was fudge.

Husband: Oh. I just thought they were the most delicious brownies in the world. Are you sure they're not brownies?

Wife: It was fudge.

New Corona Beer Slogan

Husband: Find your bitch.

Actual slogan is "Find your beach."

Sponge Dog

The dog is watching a squirel in the back yard from a window on the second floor.

Wife: Hey babe, look at Max. He's tracking something.

Husband: Wow. He's so absorbant.

Wife Is Not A Lawyer

Husband and Wife are watching a movie that takes place in a courtroom.

Wife: Do you think they'll submit the after david as evidence?

...

Husband: The affidavit?

Wife: Um. Yes.

Complements

Wife: You are so very cute today.

Husband: I do? Thank you.

Toy Story

Wife: He's several years younger than her, but I think they make a great match.

Husband: Yup. I'm glad she found herself a toy boy.

Never Make A Pig Happy

Wife: That guy was really frustrating. He's such an extremest in his views. But I knew that engaging him in debate would only make it worse. So I let him go on his tirade and then I acknowledged what he was saying without agreeing with him. I really wanted to point out all the ways he was wrong in his logic, though.

Husband: Yeah, but you were right not to fight him. If you wrestle with a pig, he likes it.

Wife: Hmmm?

Husband: You know, if you get down in the mud and fight a pig, he's happy because he's in the mud.

Wife: That's so true.

Just hanging...

Wife: How did it go with the cable company?

Husband: Ugh. I was on the phone for a half an hour with those people. Finally, I just hung on them.

Popcorn Fruit

Husband: Hey babe, I'm on my way home. What are you doing?

Wife: Oh, I just got home and I'm making popcorn. It's the inaugural use of our new popcorn pot.

Husband: Nice! I can't wait to taste the fruit of it's loins!

BBQ

Wife and Husband are driving home from a party.

Husband: Love, did we eat dinner tonight?

Wife: Yeah. We had the BBQ, remember?

Husband: That's right. The chicken was awesome.

Wife: I know. I had a leg. That sauce was amazing.

Husband: It really was. I ate a whole chest of chicken.

Being the Boss

Wife: Are your employees glad to have you back from your trip?

Husband: Well, you know what they say, when the cat is out, the mice will go crazy!

Cheater, cheater!

Husband and Wife are playing a game of cards. Wife surreptitiously looks at Husband's hand. Husband catches her.

Husband: Cheater, cheater bugger eater!

Wife: Do you mean "booger"? Like in your nose?

Husband: That's what I said. Bugger.

Wife: It's called a booger when it's in your nose. Bugger is a british curse word, like "Bugger! I just lost this game to my wife!".

They continue playing in silence for a while. Then Wife continues.

Wife: And besides, it's not a booger eater, it's a pumpkin eater. Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater. Like the poem "Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her..." Because Cheater rhymes with Peter, I guess.

Husband stares at wife.

Then he lays down his hand of cards.

Husband: I win! See? I win even if you are a bugger eater.

Husband leans across the table, kisses Wife and goes into the kitchen, leaving Wife to stare at her cards incredulously.

Soda Pop and the Undead

Husband: What do you think about Atlanta? Could you ever see yourself living there?

Wife: I've never been. But I know they have major universities and big companies. Coca-Cola is based there. And the CDC is there.

Husband: The Center for Disease Control?

Wife: Actually, it's called the Center for Disease Control and Prevention now, but they kept the old acronym.

Husband: (hesitantly) Hmmm... maybe we shouldn't move there then.

Wife: Wait, why?

Husband: Haven't you seen the movies? The CDCP is going to turn us all into zombies one day.

Pancake Garden

Wife: So how's the business? Have you been able to expand?

Friend: Oh yes, we're growing like hotcakes.

The Elegance of Hair Nets

Husband: Hey love, how was your time with your girls?

Wife: It was great. It was so nice to escape work and go out to eat in the middle of the day. We really felt elegant, like ladies lunching.

Husband: That's great baby. I'm so happy you and your friends got to be lunch ladies today.

Super Hero

Wife: Hey baby, how was the movie?

Husband: It was great! We stayed until the end and they had a trailer for The Avengers.

Wife: What's The Avengers?

Husband: It's where they get all the super heros together - Spiderman, Ironman with Robbie Downing Jr., the Samuel that wears the patch, the woman in x-men who dies - the one with the head who's a bird, and Tore. I loved Tore when I was little.**

Wife: That's a lot of super heros in one movie.

Husband: The one that looks really good is the Planet of the Monkeys.

**The Avengers features Spiderman, Ironman (Robert Downing Jr.), Samuel L. Jackson wearing an eye patch, Dr. Jean Gray from x-men who is telepathic, dies and returns as a phoenix, and of course, Thor.

Dog's Drool

Husband: Maybe our next dog should be a bulldog.

Wife: Don't they drool a lot?

Husband: No. You're thinking of Scootch with what's his face. Hanks.

...

Wife: Tuner and Hootch?

Husband: Yeah. That's what you're thinking of.

Lyric Interpretation

Wife is singing in the shower

Wife: I'm blue! If I was green I would die, if I was green I would die, if I was green I would die.

Husband pops head in bathroom.

Husband: Is that what they are saying? Huh. I never knew that. It just sounds like gibberish to me.

Wife: Of course that's what they're saying! I know it's hard to understand lyrics in another language, but trust me - that's what they're saying.

Husband begins to sing.

Husband and Wife: I'm blue! If I was green I would die, if I was green I would die, if I was green I would die.

*actual lyric is "I'm blue da ba dee da ba die" by Eiffel 65

Movie Night

on the phone

Husband: Hi baby, I'm just leaving the office. What are you up to?

Wife: I'm making dinner. I had a hard day. I just want to relax tonight, maybe watch a movie.

Husband: Sounds great. Why don't you go pick up the movie?

Wife: Babe, I'm already home cooking dinner, why don't you pick up the movie?

Husband: You had a hard day, I thought you'd like to pick up the movie.

Wife (in frustration): Look, I've got food boiling on the stove, I've already changed clothes, and you're on you're way home so why don't you pick up... wait. You mean out? Pick out the movie?

silence on the phone

Wife (now lovingly): That's so thoughtful. I'd love to pick out the movie tonight.