Burger Joint in Suburbia

Husband: Where do you want to eat, baby? 10 Burgers and A Fry? Or Smash Pumpkin?

Wife: Well, 5 Guys Burgers and Fries has great seasoned fries, but Smash burger has better burgers.

The Ambiguously Gay Duo

Husband: Are those guys a couple?

Wife: I think they're just roommates.

Husband: Like Ert and Bernie? From Sesame Plaza?

Wife: Yes. Just like that.

Grey's Anatomy can get violent

Husband: Hey baby, are you watching your stories?

Wife: Yeah, after such a rigorous couple of months at work and school, it feels great to just turn my brain off and watch cheesy television. But after this one is over, I'm going to have to cut myself off.

Husband: It's that bad, huh?

Wife: No, I like it so much, I'm going to have to cut myself off or I'll be here all night.

Husband: But if you like it, why would you have to cut yourself off?

Husband then forms his hand into a knife shape and pretends to "cut" his arms, legs, torso, etc.

Wife: Off, love, not up. Cut myself off not cut myself up.

Husband: Same thing.

Fudge brownies

Husband and Wife are finishing a date night dinner the day after Thanksgiving.

Husband: Should we get dessert here or eat dessert at home?

Wife: Well, we have the rest of my dad's famous holiday fudge at home.

Husband: Which one was the fudge?

Wife: The chocolate dessert from yesterday.

Husband: Those weren't brownies? I thought they were teeny tiny brownies.

Wife: No, that was fudge.

Husband: Oh. I just thought they were the most delicious brownies in the world. Are you sure they're not brownies?

Wife: It was fudge.

New Corona Beer Slogan

Husband: Find your bitch.

Actual slogan is "Find your beach."

Sponge Dog

The dog is watching a squirel in the back yard from a window on the second floor.

Wife: Hey babe, look at Max. He's tracking something.

Husband: Wow. He's so absorbant.

Wife Is Not A Lawyer

Husband and Wife are watching a movie that takes place in a courtroom.

Wife: Do you think they'll submit the after david as evidence?

...

Husband: The affidavit?

Wife: Um. Yes.

Complements

Wife: You are so very cute today.

Husband: I do? Thank you.

Toy Story

Wife: He's several years younger than her, but I think they make a great match.

Husband: Yup. I'm glad she found herself a toy boy.

Never Make A Pig Happy

Wife: That guy was really frustrating. He's such an extremest in his views. But I knew that engaging him in debate would only make it worse. So I let him go on his tirade and then I acknowledged what he was saying without agreeing with him. I really wanted to point out all the ways he was wrong in his logic, though.

Husband: Yeah, but you were right not to fight him. If you wrestle with a pig, he likes it.

Wife: Hmmm?

Husband: You know, if you get down in the mud and fight a pig, he's happy because he's in the mud.

Wife: That's so true.

Just hanging...

Wife: How did it go with the cable company?

Husband: Ugh. I was on the phone for a half an hour with those people. Finally, I just hung on them.

Popcorn Fruit

Husband: Hey babe, I'm on my way home. What are you doing?

Wife: Oh, I just got home and I'm making popcorn. It's the inaugural use of our new popcorn pot.

Husband: Nice! I can't wait to taste the fruit of it's loins!

BBQ

Wife and Husband are driving home from a party.

Husband: Love, did we eat dinner tonight?

Wife: Yeah. We had the BBQ, remember?

Husband: That's right. The chicken was awesome.

Wife: I know. I had a leg. That sauce was amazing.

Husband: It really was. I ate a whole chest of chicken.

Being the Boss

Wife: Are your employees glad to have you back from your trip?

Husband: Well, you know what they say, when the cat is out, the mice will go crazy!

Cheater, cheater!

Husband and Wife are playing a game of cards. Wife surreptitiously looks at Husband's hand. Husband catches her.

Husband: Cheater, cheater bugger eater!

Wife: Do you mean "booger"? Like in your nose?

Husband: That's what I said. Bugger.

Wife: It's called a booger when it's in your nose. Bugger is a british curse word, like "Bugger! I just lost this game to my wife!".

They continue playing in silence for a while. Then Wife continues.

Wife: And besides, it's not a booger eater, it's a pumpkin eater. Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater. Like the poem "Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't keep her..." Because Cheater rhymes with Peter, I guess.

Husband stares at wife.

Then he lays down his hand of cards.

Husband: I win! See? I win even if you are a bugger eater.

Husband leans across the table, kisses Wife and goes into the kitchen, leaving Wife to stare at her cards incredulously.

Soda Pop and the Undead

Husband: What do you think about Atlanta? Could you ever see yourself living there?

Wife: I've never been. But I know they have major universities and big companies. Coca-Cola is based there. And the CDC is there.

Husband: The Center for Disease Control?

Wife: Actually, it's called the Center for Disease Control and Prevention now, but they kept the old acronym.

Husband: (hesitantly) Hmmm... maybe we shouldn't move there then.

Wife: Wait, why?

Husband: Haven't you seen the movies? The CDCP is going to turn us all into zombies one day.

Pancake Garden

Wife: So how's the business? Have you been able to expand?

Friend: Oh yes, we're growing like hotcakes.

The Elegance of Hair Nets

Husband: Hey love, how was your time with your girls?

Wife: It was great. It was so nice to escape work and go out to eat in the middle of the day. We really felt elegant, like ladies lunching.

Husband: That's great baby. I'm so happy you and your friends got to be lunch ladies today.

Super Hero

Wife: Hey baby, how was the movie?

Husband: It was great! We stayed until the end and they had a trailer for The Avengers.

Wife: What's The Avengers?

Husband: It's where they get all the super heros together - Spiderman, Ironman with Robbie Downing Jr., the Samuel that wears the patch, the woman in x-men who dies - the one with the head who's a bird, and Tore. I loved Tore when I was little.**

Wife: That's a lot of super heros in one movie.

Husband: The one that looks really good is the Planet of the Monkeys.

**The Avengers features Spiderman, Ironman (Robert Downing Jr.), Samuel L. Jackson wearing an eye patch, Dr. Jean Gray from x-men who is telepathic, dies and returns as a phoenix, and of course, Thor.

Dog's Drool

Husband: Maybe our next dog should be a bulldog.

Wife: Don't they drool a lot?

Husband: No. You're thinking of Scootch with what's his face. Hanks.

...

Wife: Tuner and Hootch?

Husband: Yeah. That's what you're thinking of.

Lyric Interpretation

Wife is singing in the shower

Wife: I'm blue! If I was green I would die, if I was green I would die, if I was green I would die.

Husband pops head in bathroom.

Husband: Is that what they are saying? Huh. I never knew that. It just sounds like gibberish to me.

Wife: Of course that's what they're saying! I know it's hard to understand lyrics in another language, but trust me - that's what they're saying.

Husband begins to sing.

Husband and Wife: I'm blue! If I was green I would die, if I was green I would die, if I was green I would die.

*actual lyric is "I'm blue da ba dee da ba die" by Eiffel 65

Movie Night

on the phone

Husband: Hi baby, I'm just leaving the office. What are you up to?

Wife: I'm making dinner. I had a hard day. I just want to relax tonight, maybe watch a movie.

Husband: Sounds great. Why don't you go pick up the movie?

Wife: Babe, I'm already home cooking dinner, why don't you pick up the movie?

Husband: You had a hard day, I thought you'd like to pick up the movie.

Wife (in frustration): Look, I've got food boiling on the stove, I've already changed clothes, and you're on you're way home so why don't you pick up... wait. You mean out? Pick out the movie?

silence on the phone

Wife (now lovingly): That's so thoughtful. I'd love to pick out the movie tonight.

International Games

via text message

Husband: Baby, you're a feminist, right?

Wife: yeah . . .

Husband: You like to support the woman's cause all over the world, right? U know... for sisterhood or something?

Wife: yeah . . .

Husband: Then u should watch the women's soccer world cup . . . In espn! :)

Wife: Nice try. I still hate soccer.

Caballos y Caballeros

Translated from Spanish.

Husband: So baby, what did you do on your trip to the country?

Wife: I had such a great time. I picked vegetables from the garden, I watched the sunset, I got to see the stars - there are so many stars outside the city! And I got to ride the cowboys.

Husband: You what?!?

Wife: I rode the cowboys. I had only ridden a cowboy once or twice before this trip. My sister used to ride cowboys all the time when she was younger, but I had to play the piano. I really enjoyed riding the cowboys. When was the last time you rode a cowboy?

pause...

Husband: Do you mean horse? You rode horses?

Wife: Yeah, that's what I said.

*Caballero is cowboy or gentleman. Caballo is horse.

Bubble bubble, boil and trouble...

Husband and Wife are vacationing with Friends and spending time at the pool. Husband is swimming while Wife and Friends get into the hot tub. Husband joins them later and steps gingerly into the hot tub.

Husband: Wow! How hot is this water?

Friend: About 100 degrees.

Husband jumps out quickly.

Husband: It's boiling?!?!

Wife: 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

Husband: Then why are all of you red?

Wife: That's what happens when white people stay in hot water. I promise the water feels good.

Husband sits on the edge and puts his feet in the water.

Husband: Humph. White people are strange.

Snap, Crackle and Pop

Wife: Hey love, while you're in the kitchen, could you pour me a bowl of cereal?

Husband: Sure. Do you want the kind we normally have or this other cereal that you bought?

Wife: I'll take the Rice Krispies. Have you ever tried them?

Husband: Nope. I'll stick to my cereal.

pause. . .

Husband enters with a look of grave concern and deep worry on his face, cupping the bowl of cereal with both hands.

Husband: (with awe) Baby... your cereal is making noises...

In the beginning...

Wife: Oh, wow! What a sweet dog you have! What's his name?

Husband: (with affection) This is Andy. Yes, he's a good tuto shodido de mienda.

. . . about a year passes . . .

Wife: Andy really is a tuto shodido de mienda isn't he? Such a good boy. Hey love, what does tuto shodido de mienda mean?

Husband: It's baby talk my mom uses to show affection for animals.

Wife: So it doesn't mean anything?

Husband: It's baby talk for "chucho jodido de mierda".

Wife: Wait. So doesn't that mean fucking piece of shit mutt?

Husband: That's why we say it in baby talk.

Higher Education and Encarceration

Husband: It's been two years since he went away to yale.

Wife: I didn't know he went to Yale. When was he accepted?

pause . . .

Husband: They took him about two years ago. It's been hard, but he says he's reading a lot.

Wife: I should hope so. When does he graduate?

Husband: I don't understand. You don't graduate from yale.

pause . . .

Wife: Well, when will he leave Yale?

Husband: He comes up for parole in a few months.

Wife: Oh... Oh! Well that's good. I guess.

Charming Christmas Accent

Husband: Hey baby, why don't we watch a holiday themed movie tonight?

Wife: Really? That'd be great! What do you want to watch?

Husband: The one about a man overcoming terrible obstacles to realize his love for his wife and children - it's set on Christmas Eve.

Wife: It's a Wonderful Life?

Husband: No. Die Hard.

Dinner Time

Husband: Are you going to eat that?

Wife: Nah.

Husband: (with glee) He he he! Fewer indians more tortillas!

Marvin Gaye in the Kitchen

Wife is singing and chopping onions in the kitchen.

Wife: I've been really trying baby, trying to hold back this feeling for so long. And if you feel, like I feel sugar, come on, let's get it on....

Husband enters to get soda from fridge and sings along with the song.

Husband: Come on, come on, come on, come on darling, something about George Bush... let's get it on...

Enthusiasm

Wife: Hey babe, what do you think of this?

Husband: One word - out of control!

Wardrobe Selection

Wife lays out two blouses on the bed, one naturally wrinkled linen, one freshly ironed button-down. Wife gets into the shower and calls out to Husband.

Wife: Hey love, which shirt I should wear to brunch?

pause...

Husband: The crispy one.

Nursery Rhymes

Wife: Crap! I broke this bowl.

Husband: Here, I’ll fix it.

Wife: Eh. It’s in a million pieces. Like humpty dumpty.

Husband: Horsey Horsey?

Wife: No humpty dumpty.

Husband: The horse?

Wife: No, humpty dumpty the egg.

Husband: I’m pretty sure he was a horse. You know… humpty dumpty horsey horsey?

Wife: … Sure.

Folding Laundry

Husband: Could you hand me my panties?

Wife: You know, men’s underwear isn’t normally called panties.

Husband: What are they called?

Wife: I don’t know. Just underwear I guess.

Husband: That’s too generic. They should be called Man Panties.

Wife: Man Panties it is. Here are your Man Panties.

Words of Friendship

Wife: Hey cabron!

Husband: What?!?

Wife: What? I said, hey cabron!

Husband: You shouldn’t say that word.

Wife: Why? That’s what you call your friends.

Husband: True. But it means fucker.

Sleeping Arrangements

Husband: We should really go to bed with the chickens tonight.

Wife: Huh?

Husband: We have so much to do tomorrow. Let’s go to bed with the chickens tonight.

Wife: If you say so.

Driving Past a Bar

Wife: I’ve never been there. Have you?

Husband: I went there three times with my boss and I always got hit.

Wife: Do you mean hit on?

Husband: Yup. Every time we went there.

Details

Husband: I use propositions wrong.

Wife: And prepositions

Happy Birthday Husband

Husband: I'm an old fart.

Wife: No baby, you're a delicious... fart.

Sweep Your Feet Off

Husband: I want to sweep your feet off.

Wife: Sweep me off my feet?

Husband: I hope I sweep your feet off every day.

Wife: Thank you baby.